Fear of Man

We are just beginning the phase of going to a different church every few weeks. After this morning (which wasn't even a support-raising morning - our pastor just had us come up for a moment at the end of the service to invite us into the church and tell the congregation where we are going and have them pray for us) I just know this whole going-and-raising-support thing is going to be really hard for me. 

First of all, because I am probably the shyest person there could be for this kind of missions gig. I am scared to DEATH of getting in front of people. I physically get sick to my stomach even thinking about going in front of a crowd - and get butterflies (the bad kind!) and shaky when I have to go up there! It's so horrible. :( I'm just praying that I can get through these next few months with just being the cute, shy, little wife who stands there or sits in the pews while Ryan (God bless him!!!) shares our story with the congregation. 

The one-on-one after I can handle. I can talk to someone about what we are doing and how God is calling me to go to the foreign mission field. Or at least I thought I could. I have encountered this here and there in the past, but this morning I found myself at a complete loss for words when nearly every person who came to meet Ryan and I would shake our hands and tell us "how proud of us" they are and "how great it is what we are doing" and "how exciting and what an 'adventure' its going to be" and so on. Like it's something that I should be PROUD of, like it is something that I chose to do for fun - for adventure. 

I truly appreciate the love, care, support, and prayers that people have been giving us.  But sometimes I just smile and say thank you, because I haven't figured out how to respond to those statements yet! And I know that it is only going to continue to happen every time we go anywhere and share with people what we are doing. But to be honest, it actually upsets me when people say those things! Especially when they say how great it is what we are doing. It makes me feel queasy for hours after hearing that! 

I guess I don't know how to explain what I mean. Maybe I'll get used to it over time. And maybe it is because I haven't even gotten to Haiti yet! I haven't even experienced it yet. I'm so incredibly excited and nervous for January/February to get here. But at the same time, the closer and closer it gets to that time, the more I feel COMPLETELY inadequate to be going there. Like, I start to think - What on earth am I thinking?! How can God use ME there? I'm just not the "type" of person that seems fit to be a missionary. I definitely don’t have the right personality traits! The biggest problem being that I am so incredibly shy.  Some of the things I know I will encounter or have to do on a normal basis in Haiti just makes me nervous already! 

I realize that 99% of my problem is my fear of man. I guess I've always been afraid! I’ve always worried about what people think of me, how they are judging me. I absolutely hate having any attention on me, I get so nervous! And as much as I have prayed about it in the past few years, when it comes down to getting in front of people, I feel like nothing has changed. No matter how many times I tell myself NO ONE CARES or thinks twice about me saying something, it still gets to me.

I can only hope that over time, those fears become smaller and smaller. I know it will take lots and lots of prayers along the way for confidence in myself, whom Christ is in! I guess for now, I need to figure out how to deal with the aftermath of getting up in front of a church and asking for support - when people say things that are meant to be encouragement, but make me feel so insufficient.

Yes, going to the mission field sounds a little exciting and I know people mean no harm when they mention that, but what do I really want to say? I really want to just say, you know - if I could choose the kind of life I always imagined for myself, I'd skip out on the “adventure” and stay here and live a normal life. A life where I can have a decent house and live close enough to our parents so we can have kids who grow up and have "normal" lives, where we see their families on a regular basis. Where my husband has a normal job and where we don't have to depend on others to literally put food on the table and give us a roof over our heads. Where I can have little kids running around in a big yard, and my biggest worry is what shade of paint I'd like to paint my kitchen walls. I realize that there are SO many blessings that come with the “job” of being a missionary, but the thought of that change in lifestyle is sometimes slightly overwhelming. The thought of being completely dependent on others while trying to give my all to God, whatever that will look like in Haiti, is pretty scary to me!

I know that, at least at one point, other missionaries have probably felt these types of feelings. Right? Or am I completely alone and totally worldy and self-absorbed because I get sad sometimes when I think of all of those THINGS I will be leaving behind. (That’s what most of them are – just silly, materialistic things I have decided are important!) I just wonder how I can feel these feelings and yet be the type of person who plans to leave and "give it all up for God."

I know I've used this word multiple times already, but I just feel so inadequate! Inadequate to move to a place in a beautiful country where there are so many amazing people who I just know will welcome me with big hugs. Gosh, I just pray every.single.day that God will allow me to GET OVER MYSELF and that He will really be able to use me in Haiti to further His Kingdom. I pray that there WILL be a place for me in Haiti. A place that I can fill, even with all my insecurities; I pray that God will fill up all of the spaces where I am lacking.

So – if you happen to read this – would you please pray with me? Would you please pray for the confidence that I need, not only for these next few months of support-raising, but for the rest of my life? The confidence of knowing that God is within me, and therefore no one can be against me. That as long as I live my life for God, I don’t need to worry about what others think of me. That I only care about the judgement of the God who reigns above me and strive for perfection in His holy eyes - and not worry about the judgment of man. 

Psalm 56:3-4 --- When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. I praise God for what He has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?

October Update

First of all, Happy Birthday to my dad! I’d tell you how old he is, but if you know him I will leave it up to your imagination. My guesses are that not very many people could guess his real age! I think you could say he has been blessed with a face that ages well. ;)

(If I had a recent picture of him where he is actually looking at the camera, I would insert it here. Sorry, Dad. That’s what you get for always trying to dodge Kodak moments!)

Ryan got back from a short trip to Haiti a little over three weeks ago and left early yesterday morning for Kentucky to spend a week taking his on-campus classes. He came back from Haiti excited and ready to pack up all our things and go back! Which, of course, made me all the more eager to do the same.

I have never actually been to Emmaus Biblical Seminary. I’ve only been to Haiti once (over 2 years ago) and I was more or less on the opposite side of the country. That said, after not having been there for so long the excitement to go back had kind of dwindled down. But I can say that in the past two years, right now is the most excited I have been to start our journey there. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for us and to see how He can use us there, as well as to see how He can use others there to impact our lives!

Partial credit for my excitement can be given to Sharon (and Martin ;) Mishler, who has been crowned the title of missions-fairy-who-has-magical-dust-and-gets-all-things-mission-related-done-with-an-“abracadabra.” (No wand needed!) Not only is she able to give me far more insight than I ever had about going to the mission field – Haiti, in particular – but she really takes care of us. Sharon, we appreciate you more than you’ll ever know!

And on top of all of that, she has started working with us on learning Creole! I imagined that transitioning into this new language would kind of a burden after spending months of learning French, which was not an easy feat! But it has really been the opposite. I am so incredibly thankful for being able to spend the summer in Quebec because now I see just how important learning those French-speaking skills are in regards to learning Creole and also being able to speak and comprehend French in the academic setting while we are there! Learning these languages have been such a blessing!

I suppose I’ll give a bit more of an update of our day-to-day things. They seem too mundane for me to make multiple posts over, so this blog page has been pretty silent for a while. I am just making my way through my last semester at Washburn. I’ll admit – I thought this semester would be a piece of cake since I am only in 4 classes, rather than 8 or 9! But a couple of these senior-level finance classes are kind of kicking my behind! But I’m trying my hardest and praying for the best outcome.

Ryan has been extremely busy, to say the least! Between going to Haiti and Kentucky for two weeks out of the last month, he works as hard as he can to get things done and not fall behind in his classes. His online classes require up to 20+ hours of watching lectures alone, plus reading tons of books, taking quizzes, and writing a few papers here and there. Thankfully he is able to get quite a bit done in his downtime at NorthRidge. And speaking of that, he has also been working with the youth group in Falls City for a few weeks now. It has started out with pretty small numbers of kids, but we are praying that more will continue to show up each week and that this youth group will be beneficial in their walks with Christ.

Other than daily things, we are really working hard to find financial support so that we can be sent to Haiti by February, the beginning of the new school year at Emmaus. We have quite a way go in reaching the amount needed before we can leave! This has been somewhat of a challenge since we simply didn’t grow up going to church. We don’t really have a lot of personal connections or ties with many churches because of that, so that has been the biggest challenge for us. We are so blessed with the generous giving of the people here in Sabetha, but we are hoping to find some individuals outside of NorthRidge who feel led to join us in this mission so that we don’t leave the bodies of Christ at our "home" church with that big of a financial commitment. Please pray for us that within the next few months that we will have the chance to be used by God to impact the lives of others who may choose to join us with support - financially, emotionally, physically, and/or prayerfully.

If you know anyone or go to a church that you think might have members who would be interested in joining our mission, please contact us! We would love to share more about what God is doing in our lives and why we feel led to do foreign missions. February will be here before we know it, and God-willing, we would love to make it to Emmaus by the time the visiting professors leave and the semester-long classes begin. Please be in prayer with us, and feel free to share this post if you know of anyone who might be interested!

And just for giggles, my handsome husband must really love me if he is willing to wear this in public! :)