Fear of Man

We are just beginning the phase of going to a different church every few weeks. After this morning (which wasn't even a support-raising morning - our pastor just had us come up for a moment at the end of the service to invite us into the church and tell the congregation where we are going and have them pray for us) I just know this whole going-and-raising-support thing is going to be really hard for me. 

First of all, because I am probably the shyest person there could be for this kind of missions gig. I am scared to DEATH of getting in front of people. I physically get sick to my stomach even thinking about going in front of a crowd - and get butterflies (the bad kind!) and shaky when I have to go up there! It's so horrible. :( I'm just praying that I can get through these next few months with just being the cute, shy, little wife who stands there or sits in the pews while Ryan (God bless him!!!) shares our story with the congregation. 

The one-on-one after I can handle. I can talk to someone about what we are doing and how God is calling me to go to the foreign mission field. Or at least I thought I could. I have encountered this here and there in the past, but this morning I found myself at a complete loss for words when nearly every person who came to meet Ryan and I would shake our hands and tell us "how proud of us" they are and "how great it is what we are doing" and "how exciting and what an 'adventure' its going to be" and so on. Like it's something that I should be PROUD of, like it is something that I chose to do for fun - for adventure. 

I truly appreciate the love, care, support, and prayers that people have been giving us.  But sometimes I just smile and say thank you, because I haven't figured out how to respond to those statements yet! And I know that it is only going to continue to happen every time we go anywhere and share with people what we are doing. But to be honest, it actually upsets me when people say those things! Especially when they say how great it is what we are doing. It makes me feel queasy for hours after hearing that! 

I guess I don't know how to explain what I mean. Maybe I'll get used to it over time. And maybe it is because I haven't even gotten to Haiti yet! I haven't even experienced it yet. I'm so incredibly excited and nervous for January/February to get here. But at the same time, the closer and closer it gets to that time, the more I feel COMPLETELY inadequate to be going there. Like, I start to think - What on earth am I thinking?! How can God use ME there? I'm just not the "type" of person that seems fit to be a missionary. I definitely don’t have the right personality traits! The biggest problem being that I am so incredibly shy.  Some of the things I know I will encounter or have to do on a normal basis in Haiti just makes me nervous already! 

I realize that 99% of my problem is my fear of man. I guess I've always been afraid! I’ve always worried about what people think of me, how they are judging me. I absolutely hate having any attention on me, I get so nervous! And as much as I have prayed about it in the past few years, when it comes down to getting in front of people, I feel like nothing has changed. No matter how many times I tell myself NO ONE CARES or thinks twice about me saying something, it still gets to me.

I can only hope that over time, those fears become smaller and smaller. I know it will take lots and lots of prayers along the way for confidence in myself, whom Christ is in! I guess for now, I need to figure out how to deal with the aftermath of getting up in front of a church and asking for support - when people say things that are meant to be encouragement, but make me feel so insufficient.

Yes, going to the mission field sounds a little exciting and I know people mean no harm when they mention that, but what do I really want to say? I really want to just say, you know - if I could choose the kind of life I always imagined for myself, I'd skip out on the “adventure” and stay here and live a normal life. A life where I can have a decent house and live close enough to our parents so we can have kids who grow up and have "normal" lives, where we see their families on a regular basis. Where my husband has a normal job and where we don't have to depend on others to literally put food on the table and give us a roof over our heads. Where I can have little kids running around in a big yard, and my biggest worry is what shade of paint I'd like to paint my kitchen walls. I realize that there are SO many blessings that come with the “job” of being a missionary, but the thought of that change in lifestyle is sometimes slightly overwhelming. The thought of being completely dependent on others while trying to give my all to God, whatever that will look like in Haiti, is pretty scary to me!

I know that, at least at one point, other missionaries have probably felt these types of feelings. Right? Or am I completely alone and totally worldy and self-absorbed because I get sad sometimes when I think of all of those THINGS I will be leaving behind. (That’s what most of them are – just silly, materialistic things I have decided are important!) I just wonder how I can feel these feelings and yet be the type of person who plans to leave and "give it all up for God."

I know I've used this word multiple times already, but I just feel so inadequate! Inadequate to move to a place in a beautiful country where there are so many amazing people who I just know will welcome me with big hugs. Gosh, I just pray every.single.day that God will allow me to GET OVER MYSELF and that He will really be able to use me in Haiti to further His Kingdom. I pray that there WILL be a place for me in Haiti. A place that I can fill, even with all my insecurities; I pray that God will fill up all of the spaces where I am lacking.

So – if you happen to read this – would you please pray with me? Would you please pray for the confidence that I need, not only for these next few months of support-raising, but for the rest of my life? The confidence of knowing that God is within me, and therefore no one can be against me. That as long as I live my life for God, I don’t need to worry about what others think of me. That I only care about the judgement of the God who reigns above me and strive for perfection in His holy eyes - and not worry about the judgment of man. 

Psalm 56:3-4 --- When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. I praise God for what He has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?