Why me?

After explaining to someone that Ryan and I are going to be missionaries, very often we encounter people who say things like, “Wow! That is so AWESOME that you are moving to Haiti. You are going to have such an amazing adventure! I wish that I could do something like that.” But is it really awesome? To give up all of the people and things we love in our lives to move to a third world country? I’m not completely sure where “awesome” fits in to the reality of why we are leaving the U.S.

In fact, I often wonder why on earth we are going to Haiti… and by often, I mean probably at least every other day. Why would God choose to send us there? Aren’t there enough things that can be done for Him in our comfort zone without having to move to a different country?

(On a good day) by the time I make it to that second question, I already know the answer: God isn’t asking us to live in our comfort zone. He is asking us to boldly step out of it and give our lives to Him, for His glory.

And trust me, I sincerely wish I could be obedient and just say “Okay, God – whatever you want from me, I’ll do it!” But unfortunately that is not realistic for myself. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many reasons that I look forward to serving Christ in Haiti. In fact, most of the time (unless its one of those days..) I am so happy and nervous and excited at the fact that if we are funded by then, we will be on Haitian soil in less than 7 months. (Yikes!)

Honestly, we kind of have absolutely no idea how long we will be in Haiti. It could be a year, or it could be 10. We feel called to meet the long-term needs at Emmaus Biblical Seminary, so until we get a calling from God to go elsewhere, we imagine that is where we will be. 

So, as the stubborn, selfish person that I am, I cannot help but think about all of the things we will be missing out on while we are there. Not only can it bring me to tears thinking about leaving our loved ones, but I also selfishly get upset thinking about all of the other things I’ll be missing out on. You know… the worldly things. The American Dream. “A nice house in a nice town with a nice family.” The list goes on and on. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I could go on for hours about all of the things I feel like I am going to miss out on. But since you already get the idea, I won’t bore you with the details.

The point is that through the process of becoming missionaries this last year, I have come to realize just how disobedient I am when it comes to submitting to God’s will. In Matthew 16:24 Jesus told his disciples,

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I think that we (myself included) often throw the phrase “take up His cross and follow Him” too lightly.

…Jesus then continues in 16:25-26,

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?”

In my heart, I know that I should only be storing up treasures for heaven rather than here on earth. I know that I should willingly give up my entire life for God’s calling upon myself. I know that Christ died on the cross and bought me with a price. He shed his own blood in order to buy my soul from an eternity in hell. For that beautiful gift of redemption, I should not hesitate to give up my worldly treasures, take up my cross, and follow Him. Whole-heartedly.

But as soon as I say that I understand these core concepts, five minutes later I find myself dreaming about what color of walls I would like to paint my future house instead of wondering what I can do to share the Gospel with those who have never heard it or have yet to accept it. And then I feel guilty and worthless.

And then I remember that no matter how sinful and wretched I might be, Jesus still loves me. He has still chosen to be my savior. And that has never failed to remind me “why on earth” we have chosen to follow Him and His word.